Joey, reading an age-appropriate chapter book

If I could take away my kids’ ability to read while in the grocery store, I would. Well, not while we’re shopping — I like that they can read while we’re strolling the aisles (Danny would be lost without a good nutritional label to analyze) — but if I could reverse their powers in the check-out lines, believe me, I’d do it, because what they’re learning from sensational magazine covers is resulting in some heavy-duty discussions I tend to think are better left for future ages.

Not long ago, 8-year-old Joey announced mid-line, “Adam Lambert is gay!” Followed by: “What is gay?”

I told him — right there in line, because he was hungry for an answer — that gay means boys fall in love with boys, and girls fall in love with girls.

“Can boys marry boys?” he asked.

At the time, yes, they could (in California, anyway), so I told him that. He was happy, and I think, mildly informed on a topic we’ll tackle in more detail one day in the future. Right after we talk about sex tapes, maybe.

Today, Joey declared, “Tiger has a sex tape!”

Here we go again.

“What’s that mean?” he inquired.

I told him Tiger has gotten into some trouble, and then I had to pay for my groceries. We continued our conversation in the car.

“What kind of trouble did Tiger get into?” Joey asked.

“Who is Tiger?” asked 6-year-old Danny.

“He’s a famous golfer,” explained big brother.

“But what kind of trouble, mom?” said Joey.

Here’s what I said:

“Tiger is married, and he has two kids, but he also had some girlfriends, and that is not OK. When you’re married to someone, that person must be your only person.” I told Joey that Tiger made some bad choices, and sadly, it is messing up other people’s lives. “That’s why it’s important to make good decisions in your life,” I told both guys.

We went on to talk about whether or not Tiger will get a divorce (I hope he does), and we unraveled the whole mystery of divorce for Danny (it’s when a marriage comes to an end). We also talked about whether it’s legal to do what Tiger did. A little bit of research tells me adultery is, in fact, mostly legal, meaning you won’t get arrested for it or anything, although it can have legal ramifications in property settlement, child custody and other matters. Adultery is just wrong. Really wrong. And that’s what I hope my boys learned from our chit-chat today.

What did I learn? To head straight for the kiddie check-out line next time, no matter how the long line is.

Oh, and Joey never did ask for me to define “sex tape.” Nor did Danny. Thank goodness for small blessings.